Chanz Boy

Oh, hi

2011-04-14T21:42:00.001-07:00

Dear 4 followers... :)

I'm just now logging in again since my last post, and that was over 2 months ago! I should have updated here as we went but I was not prepared for how tired and overwhelmed I was going to be once we got to China. I read your comments and appreciate them very much!

China was a real culture shock for me. 2 weeks is a lONG time to be so far from home and the things (comforts!)that we are used to. I promise I will work on chronicling the events, with pictures, very soon. I will start tomorrow! I wanted to update, I truly did, but it was a bit of a rough trip for us.

More soon!
Jme

The End

2011-01-20T02:18:00.000-08:00

It has been a very quick two weeks. I had one week off before we left and every single day was filled with going somewhere and getting something done for the adoption. I wasn't able to sleep in like usual, probably because I knew there was so much to do and little time to do it in. The deadlines were immediate and often required "within 24 hours". Up until the very end, we didn't even have enough money to complete the adoption! Fortunate for us to have such loving friends and family that donated their money to help make our dream a reality. The final almost-setback was on the day we were leaving (yesterday) when we were informed by GWCA that they had not received our payment and if they did not get payment that very day, our flights would be affected and we would possibly not be able to travel. Long story short, the post office in Austin had the package there. GWCA was able to pick up the package and we followed through with our plans.

The plane ride from Tyler to Houston was very bumpy. We waited for our luggage for about 45 mins only to learn that it was already enroute to Beijing! We waited another hour for the hotel shuttle to finally pick us up. We are staying at the Hilton Houston North. Very nice hotel, but it was after 10p.m. when we finally arrived and did not get to enjoy the beautiful hotel or it's scenery. We leave in 15 minutes and had to get a taxi since the shuttle services do not run this early. An inconvenience, but hopefully we'll get to the airport by 5a.m. The plane leaves at 6.

We have been in awe and wonder that this is actually happening. A part of me is even a bit terrified by it, mostly because I have been so sleep deprived that I can't imagine this being a way of life!

and the Hilton just charged me $10 for internet access, so I'm logging off now. More later

2011-01-11T22:11:00.001-08:00

Today: we got our tetanus shots. That's about as far as we've gotten as far as any sort of adoption progress goes. There's really not a whole lot more we can do at this point except wait. I am going to work on Chanz's room tomorrow as it has become a bit disorganized. All of our travel things have been piling up in his room so hopefully I can get it all organized. That's all the update I have for now.

omg omg omg omg

2011-01-06T20:32:00.000-08:00

Every conversation revolves around our shock. We're bringing a child from all the way around the world to our home. Without even trying, we are stressed and excited and even a little scared. Towards the end of the day today I had one of my nurse friends, Kathleen, take my blood pressure because I felt so stressed. It was normal, but I still felt wired and just 'weird'. I began to talk to her and another nurse about what I was feeling, mostly that there will be a child in my house! And I have no idea what it's going to be like. He's already 2, will he like us? Are we going to know what to do with a kid? Can we even do this?! My friend Anna said I was having a new mom moment. She said she wanted a baby, wanted a baby, wanted a baby. When she finally got pregnant she was like "omg omg omg omg omg" (while dramatically and slowly falling into a chair:) I felt so much better after that. SO I'm not a horrible person for being scared and unsure I'm even doing the right thing??

Once I got home, Tim and I finally had time to go through all the emails I have been bombarded with the last couple of days from the agency. There were lots of tips and helpful information as well as more pricing information, which is what we were really needing. I think we feel a little bit better for now.

What a YEAR!

Plunking Down Plastic

2011-01-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

Just spent the best $3500 on plane tickets ever! Flying from Tyler to Houston, where we will stay overnight, then on to Bejing! It's been such a crazy 2 days, since we have found out our travel date. I am still just in shock that it is already here. Today I was a little stressed out to make sure we booked our planes on time, since they only gave me 24 hours. I was able to get it all done and taken care of, however.

Now it's trying to sort out what money to take out from where, how much we have or do not have, what luggage to take and what to put in it! We have been given tons of useful information from the adoption agency, as well as through others in our Yahoo group who are in the same boat we are. It will be very exciting to meet the other parents that arrive in China with us!

Whirlwind

2011-01-04T20:57:00.000-08:00

What a day.. I was standing in the middle of PACU, just outside the OR in the hospital. I noticed I had a new email message notification on my phone so I had stopped to read it. It stated, "Consulate Appointment Confirmed" WHAT?! I quickly scanned the email and it said we would be leaving January 2oth. I said out loud, "January 20th?!" A nurse looked up from her charting, then back down. I immediately dialed my husband's phone and it went to voicemail. I buzzed him on chat; no reply. A few seconds later my phone rang and it was him. I quickly rehearsed what I would say to him and answered. I asked what he was doing, how his day off was, blah blah blah. He sounded extremely casual, so I messed that up real quick, "We're leaving January 2oth." A pause..."What?" I stated "Yes, we're leaving January 20th". There was much stuttering and gasping on the other end of the line and I laughed. I had never heard him so speechless before! And that's pretty much how the rest of our day went. Walking to and fro, looking and not seeing, trying to finish a task and not even remembering what it is we meant to be doing. It was great!

I called my mom and she was beyond excited. She pretty much just wanted to get off the phone so she could tell everyone so I let her get to it. The rest of the day at work, for me, felt like a holiday, when there is excitement in the air. We tried real hard to figure out what we needed to do next but the reality of our dream coming true was just too overpowering to focus.

Unbelievable. We will be in the air in 2 weeks and when we come home, our lives will be forever changed, and so will Chanz's. What a miracle this has all been! I keep telling Tim over and over that I can't believe we've even made it this far. Without God, we wouldn't have! So THANKS to our heavenly father who paved the way and made this blessing possible. His grace and mercy is astounding as are his blessings!

TA!!!

2011-01-03T19:52:00.001-08:00

Chanz's first Christmas present! A little pillow pet from his cousin Deana.

We received our travel approval today... WOW! We didn't think we would get that until the end of January! Suddenly we're in rush mode. It's like we've finally made it to the top of the Texas Giant and now we're starting the down hill!

I told my mom and she texted me later, "I can't stop crying!" I didn't cry..I felt more shocked than anything. It hit me like a bucket of cold water: We're going to be parents.

I had to quickly contact my old employer about cashing out my 401K to pay for the orphanage "donation" fee plus give us some spending money. Nevermind the tax hit we'll get later, that's just details. We have a pretty good idea what our 2 weeks will look like so I'm not too worried about that. We are more concerned about having all the funding available so quickly. I can't believe we've made it this far! I am not about to start worrying about it now. God is good, all the TIME!

Ganner (my mom) bought Chanz a couple of sleep outfits the other day.

Tim likes the green one best. I love them both! I can feel some spoiling coming on :)

2010-12-31T20:08:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year! This is a special year for us. 2011 is the year we bring sweet little Chanz home! I am getting excited now, knowing that we will see him in mere months. Months! My mom and I are talking about what to pack and what to wear, when. We talked about the hotels and the websites blocked in China (Blogspot :( and hotmail, to name a few). It's real, it's happening. What is happening is a dream come true, literally! I dreamed of this day for years and I still can't bang it into my head that it is a reality.

This year was a rollercoaster of emotion. We have been consumed, every single month, with paperwork and waiting and dreaming and preparing. There were unexpected expenses and breakdowns along the way. (For real.. Tim's truck broke down in Houston after our visit to the Chinese Consulate!).I very recently re-connected with the Chinese family that inspired the specific adoption from China in the first place. Unfortunately it was because Joseph was dying, and he passed away a week before Christmas, the day after my birthday. Judy had offered to be Chanz's Chinese grandmother, which made my heart burst, of course. I called her tonight just to check in and she said they had all been going all over the house, gathering up her grandchildren's toys that were no longer being used so Chanz can have them. I was telling her that her grandchildren are all so very sweet. And hyper. She laughed and said, "Now we'll have another one" referring to Chanz. How blessed we are!

Looking forward to this new year as first time parents!! And an amazing journey to CHina!

Article 5

2010-12-29T21:18:00.001-08:00

"As of 12/27/2010, your Article 5 was delivered to the CCAA. It can take anywhere from 3 weeks to 8 weeks to receive your Travel Approval from the CCAA!!! "

That was today's email update :)

VISA

2010-12-28T20:52:00.001-08:00

The only news I have right now is that our VISAs will be delivered to us Friday.

TIMELINE

2010-12-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

...so far...

Found Chanz: 03/03/2010
Found out Chanz was still available: 03/09/2010
Dossier sent to China: 09/03/2010
LID (log in date): 09/07/2010
LSC (letter seeking confirmation):10/22/2010

We are waiting on our TA (travel approval) and really expect it to be February!! It's a very exciting time for us. What an AMAZING journey that I never expected to ever happen! I have a wonderful husband..

Fundraising

2010-12-01T16:32:00.000-08:00

The bracelets we were selling as a fundraiser were a huge success! So far we have raised a little over $500, which isn't bad considering the time frame. I have a friend who is convinced her daughter can sell them for more money at school. I have a bag of 40 bracelets to give her tomorrow. I'm praying God will bless this little girl and we'll get lots of helpful donations!

We are still seeking assistance. If we had more time we could do it ourselves, but we have a little boy waiting on us! Now! I can't wait to scoop him up and give him his first mommy kiss! siiigh

Final Countdown

2010-12-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

We received our NVC approval letter today (National Visa Center)! I already had all the other paperwork ready that needed to be sent to the agency once we got our letter, so it is already sitting in the post office ready to be over-nighted! Our last shred of paperwork will be mailed off to China on Friday. China will then send Article 5 to our agency which states that everything is in order and we are approved to adopt our child. This letter will come about 2 weeks after they receive the above paperwork. After that, they will issue our Travel Approval, which takes about 2-3 weeks to be sent to Great Wall China Adoption. We travel 2-3 weeks after that. As you can see, things are wrapping up quickly.

We still have so much money to come up with and I don't know where it is coming from. We'll cross those bridges when we get there!

Waiting. It's what I do Best.

2010-11-24T22:07:00.000-08:00

Waiting on the pumpkin pies to finish cooking! It will be a full day tomorrow with wall to wall family members (literally.. I shall take pictures to prove this) and tables overflowing with food. Tonight Tim and I met my parents, my sister and her family, as well as her in-laws at Traditions. It was a nice atmosphere and we even saw some of our friends there. It was a pleasant evening all the way around and good food, too.

After work I stopped by Chez Bazan in Tyler to pick up a cake and place it on my boss's tab (thank you). Once I got home, I interrupted Tim from working on the fence to take a "pie break". It was a very tasty, richly flavored fruit pie. Not long after that, I was ready for a nap before dinner. I slept for probably an hour, and kept dreaming of Chanz. As I was waking up and the dream I was having began to unthread with the intrusion of reality, I was able to catch the ending. I was standing over him and patting him on the shoulder, calling him my Champion. The image and the echoing words "champion..chamption.." stuck with me for the rest of the evening.

I thought by now we would have our approval letter from NBC Hague. It was stated in an email that it would be issued that evening but I just read on one of our information sheets that it could take up to two weeks to get the letter! Two weeks!! Well: One down.

As I am scanning the information sheet, it seems very possible that we may even leave to get Chanz by January! I am hoping we can travel before February because that is the month of Chinese New Year and prices for air fair go UP.

I can't believe our journey is almost at it's peak. We're so close to bringing our beautiful child home! So much preparing has happened, both inside our lives and all around. What a blessing this child has already become <3

Happy Thanksgiving

Chanz's Nursery

2010-11-11T08:07:00.000-08:00

I stayed up late working on the nursery. Even though the floors are not done yet, I can still work on the walls and how I want things set up. The pictures on the wall weren't too hard. Scrapbooking seems to come out anywhere! My brother in law -Michael- is making a chest of drawers so Chanz will have a place for his clothes. The leaves on the wall took *forever*. Stencils seemed like a good idea but painting with them is a whole lot harder than it seems. We also want to redo his closet..put some larger, folding doors instead of the one, small door.He already has quite a few toys, but he will get more when we have a "toddler shower". That's another post, another day! Meanwhile, I'm really having fun working on our little guy's room. It helps make the waiting a little easier and I feel like we're accomplishing something. I loved how his little frog blanket turned out. Tracy and I finished it in less than an hour. I bought stuffing for the pillow the next day and finished it up. I suppose this is all the update I have for now. The Holidays are upon us. I SO wish Chanz could be here for them, but we get excited when we think about how different the next year will be for us. So many changes, and a little ray of sunshine to make life that much sweeter.

Still waiting

2010-11-09T06:29:00.000-08:00

We still have not received any word that our paperwork is completed, so we've occupied our time with saving money and fundraising. I've sold close to 200 bracelets and they aren't even in yet! About the first 100 pays back the money I had to spend to buy them, but I expect to get enough donations to help with the expensive hobby called Adoption!
I will work this week on getting a care package together to send to Chanz in the orphanage. It may be cheaper to buy stuff online *in* China and just have them ship it to the orphanage. I want him to be warm and have his own things. The weather where he lives is somewhere in the 50s during the day and 30s at night. That's cold for a little kid! By December it will be 30s-40s during the day and high teens-low 20s at night! yikes!
----*-------------------*-----------------------------*---------------------------*
We met Chanz's pediatrician today and LOVE him! He is a very nice, polite Christian man. Somehow there was a mix-up with appointments. I had 10:00 written down, but they had me down for 12:45. He saw us anyway and did not rush through our visit and took his time. He told about his two trips to China and even offered us some heavier coats and luggage to take with us! He said not to worry about eye appointments or any of that until after his first doctor's appointment, and he would make the arrangements. Much relief!

I friended a lady on facebook that had a son with albinism and then adopted a little girl from China with albinism. Her son is in his teens, so she has lots of experience with the condition and I'm going to learn everything I can from her!

Meanwhile, we received a I-797 Notice of Action from Homeland Security. Things are mooooving along!

Final Steps

2010-11-01T04:15:00.000-07:00

Last night we stayed up until past midnight trying to fill out the final stretch of paperwork, the I-800 and I-864W. Tim will overnight this to Dallas today and it should take approx. 2 weeks to get that back. Then, once we receive our approval letter, we send copies of the documents to Great Wall, they send the documents to China via email, and they begin working on our travel arrangements. Basically, we're on the tip top of the mountain looking down! All the waiting is suddenly over.

When I got the phone call last week that our LSC (letter seeking confirmation) was in, our case worker said "This is a lot faster than usual." I told her that this kid is covered in prayer so I wasn't surprised!

The only downside is the reality that we have a lot of money to come up with yet. I am not worrying about it because I know God will provide, however the human side of me can't help but get a little antsy about it. We have the orphanage donation, travel costs, and money lost from not being at work (since I have no benefits). This is a lot to consider!

I am excited, none the less. His room is far from finished and I am not sure we can do the floors yet because I want to make sure we have enough money for travel. (I spilled paint on the carpet a couple of years ago). It's still cute with frogs and monkeys and giraffes and a huge ride-on elephant from my friend Kelly!

Very excited that we'll have him home soon..very soon!

Loss

2010-10-11T17:19:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking lately about what it's like to not have biological children. This was a result of the upcoming family reunion that we recently attended. Family reunions are all about how a large family evolved from one married couple and their line of descent. But what about us, since we are adopting? How will we include our child in a heritage when his is lost?

For me, there is a lot of loss.The loss of:

A childbirth experience

The special attention, care and support that pregnancy brings to you,

Control, as efforts toward conception result in disappointment
the adoption process, as a myriad of social workers, government officials and other ‘professionals’ decide and orchestrate the rest of your life.

The surprise, shock of seeing a (+) on a pregnancy test
The wonder of carrying life
the joy of having others decide who the child looks like the most

For our child, the loss of:

his first days, months, or even years of his life.

Knowledge of the whys and hows of his personality, medical condition and even behaviors. Is it something I have done, something in his past that I have no knowledge of, or simply genetic programming?
Being blood related

This adoption process has been exciting and happy at times, but surrounded by the sorrow of our situation and his as well. We will not stay here.. we will all grow and thrive, but the reality of this can sometimes be overwhelming.

wow, 2 updates in one day!

2010-10-01T16:17:00.000-07:00

I just opened my email and received this from GWCA:

Dear Great Wall Family,

We are happy to report that your dossier was registered in China. The registration date is also known as the Log in Date or LID. Your LID is 9/7/2010.

If we receive any additional information we will contact you as quickly as possible. In the meantime, if you need assistance or support, please feel free to give us a call.

Congratulations,

Almost Real

2010-10-01T15:56:00.000-07:00

I had the sweetest dream about Chanz. He was in a hallway, like the kind that connects an airplane to the terminal. I saw him and felt my heart burst. I got down on one knee so I would be level with him and smiled at him. He smiled and ran towards me and asked me for a piece of gum.

Slow Down-Hill

2010-09-15T07:30:00.000-07:00

I finally received an email update from Great Wall. Sadly, it will be 6-9 months before we get Chanz here :( These are sure to be the longest months of our lives. The good news is, it gives us more time to gather the money that we need, esp. for travel.

I told Tim last night we might as well let go and quit stressing over getting him here. He'll be older than we wish (I would much prefer to have had him right after he was born) but at least we'll have pictures, we can send him care packages, and we can still love and care for him despite the distance, and despite the fact he does not know us yet.

Another bonus: It will not be during the bone cold of winter!

I told Tim we will be sending many cameras, one for each month that we miss!

Falling

2010-08-21T11:07:00.001-07:00

I awoke this morning thinking about fall. I love the feel of it every morning, the weak sunshine reaching down so gently like a mom laying her baby down to sleep. I like the way the atmosphere feels, like a young child. I suppose the young feeling should be reserved for spring, but that is how Fall feels to me. Outside one can walk around the yard minus the burning glare of the sun. It's softer now, and more welcoming and friendly. Leaves are falling off of trees, birds are flying away, and insects have hidden far beneath the ground. It isn't a sad leaving, in fact there is a lot of activity. The holidays are just down the way, singing their expectant arrival. There is the celebration of Fall, then quickly followed by Thanksgiving, then soon after by Christmas, and then the celebration of a new year. The beginning of Fall is the preparation stage for all to come. It's an exciting time!

Come Home

2010-08-12T20:55:00.001-07:00

Got misty-eyed tonight thinking about Chanz. We just want him home so bad, all the waiting is so very hard. I don't know what he's doing or if he's lonely or happy. Did he play with the toys we sent him for his birthday? Does he sleep snuggled up to the stuffed panda bear toy? What is he like? Does he smile all the time and does he pout? Does he even have a clue that we love him already and can't wait to hold him tight?

Does he have any idea how rotten he is going to be once he gets here? Our first family vacation is already planned.. we're taking him to Orlando to stay in the condo we secured for our future children and to swim and see the ocean and play in sand and just BE. Come home, Chanz!!!!

Houston means that I'm a one step closer to you

2010-07-26T06:10:00.000-07:00

This morning we will head down to Houston to get the documents for our dossier authenticated. Basically, the Chinese Consulate of Houston is verifying the Secretary of State's seal on all the documents we had certified a few weeks ago. And they only charge an arm and a leg; completely reasonable fees! cough cough

We are only dropping the documents off. To have them do them the same day costs triple what it costs to go the regular route (which is costing us $280.00). Once we drop off the documents, we are going to try and find a PF Changs, since Tim still has never been, and wonder around town a bit. Some of Tim's family lives in Liberty, which is about an hour away from Houston, so we will meet up with his family for dinner, then head back home.

Full day ahead!

Follow the Road

2010-07-09T17:05:00.001-07:00

We were reading the "dossier guide" and were disappointed to read, "Most families can expect to travel within 6-9 months after their log-in date." What?! That is sooo long to wait when we want him here now! We were so hoping to have him home by Christmas but that just may not be the case..

A lot of people show concern because we're adopting an "older" child. If the timeline is correct, he'll be about 2 1/2 years old when we get him. True, we would have loved to have had him home right after he was born, but that just isn't our reality, ours or his. So he'll be a little older; we won't love him any less! There are also lots of people asking me if anything is "wrong" with him. He has albinism. That doesn't make anything "wrong" with him, he just has that condition that he'll have to live with. It isn't anything major, it doesn't affect his character or mental capacity in any way. He'll just have to wear sunscreen more often than most of us do, that's all.

Long story short, this child has no family. None. We are honored to have the ability to bring a child into our home, whatever the age, and give him a family. I don't care what color his skin is or his hair, he'll be ours and we'll be his.

Ohana!

I Certify That It Is Finished

2010-07-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

Went to Austin yesterday, got the documents

certified, and now we're back home! Just one final

step: authentication! If they can finish the

process in about 10 days, I will mail the

documents. If it takes months, we'll be making a

trip to Houston.
Counting down, counting down...

GOOD NEWS!

2010-07-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

We were able to get some financial assistance! Pathways for Little Feet gave us a loan large enough to at least pay for the orphanage donation, which is a huge sum of money. We are so grateful for companies out there that offer help for families wishing to adopt! We have vowed to support their organization for life. Our financial support will help other families down the road.

We are heading to Austin tomorrow to get our dossier documents certified. The next step will be to get the very same documents authenticated. Then, it is finished! We are getting so close to bringing our little boy home. He'll be here before we can believe it.

I'm beginning the official countdown now. Gathering documents for the dossier is all the prep work, now the real work and waiting begins.

Hopefuls

2010-06-15T20:23:00.001-07:00

We received an email from a man (Rocky) from a local church, that is over the Hope for 100 program the other day. The email contained a link to another company that might be able to help us financially. I spoke with a lady yesterday and got the pre-screening done so that we could apply. After chatting for a few minutes, we were both surprised to discover that her daughter, adopted from China, was at the very same orphanage that Chanz is at!
Rocky called this afternoon to check and see if we had any luck and to let him know if we needed anything. He said to check in with him and let him know our needs before we let this fall through. It felt so nice to have hope and understanding about this difficult process!

Waiting on You

2010-06-12T19:35:00.000-07:00

We're still waiting for something to come through for us to help us proceed with this adoption. I get so frustrated with this whole process. The fees that we are required to pay are outrageous and I really feel adoptive parents get taken advantage of.
I've been praying everyday for a door to open for us. I feel like a stone has been dropped into my soul and it just weighs there, everyday. This little boy is already so much a part of our hearts and we desire nothing more than to welcome him into our home and show him a good life. I can't bear the thought of letting him down..he was already let down by his first parents.

I'm thanking God for making a way when there doesn't seem to be one. He's shown me that often enough throughout my own life, that's for sure.

I just heard a song with a message that applies to this whole process!
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31

2010-06-02T04:46:00.000-07:00

Psalms 43:5  Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your
hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

2010-06-01T15:43:00.001-07:00

I never expected adoption to have as many emotions mixed in with it as dealing with infertility. We are so excited, probably just as excited as any expectant parent would be. A little different, I'm sure, but I think a lot of the same concerns and stresses.
Unfortunately, adoption is quite expensive. We applied for financial assistance through the ABBA fund/Hope for 100 and have waited forever for a response. Well, I got a response alright: we were denied. "Of course!" I thought to myself. Why would it be easy? Nothing having to do with having children is easy for us!
I know, that sounds awful, but it's how I felt.
We have this precious little boy waiting for us (although he doesn't know it yet) and we face enormous expenses that with my human heart, mind and soul I CAN NOT foresee how we will EVER make it.
I'm just thankful I serve a God that's big enough to take care of this for us. I don't know how, I can't see how with the deadline we have to meet, but I'm just going to hold on to my faith that God will come through for us like he has so many other times in the past.
I'm not happy, I'm quite upset, actually. I was surprised by how upset I was! But all I could imagine was losing the opportunity to have that little boy. I can't bear the thought.
Prayers are welcomed and needed.
We only have one more piece of paper that we are waiting on to complete our dossier. We are sooo close to finishing the hard part of paperwork. I need God to show us how to afford it... quickly! Looks like another fast on the horizon

IT'S A BOY!!

2010-05-03T17:16:00.001-07:00

heh heh..that never gets old.

I'm finding it completely frustrating that I can't post pictures of that sweet little boy just yet. He's cute, I'm telling ya! I know that once he's here, I'm going to have more photos than I will know what to do with. I'm happy about that prospect :)

GWCA sent out an email that they were offering concurrent adoptions to other countries. The one we were interested in before was Nepal. We already have it in our heads that we would adopt a little girl from there. So.. I just printed out an application. I know, I know, where WILL we get the money? The answer is: I don't have a clue. I don't. I do not have the money that is required but what I DO have is faith and an ear for the Lord's voice.

I had always thought I would be a missionary but I never expected it to be in this form! Tim and I would love to have our own children, but having the opportunity to reach our arms across the globe and around a child who might otherwise never hear the Good News..now that is amazing.

The time line, once we get started, is probably about a year, which means Chanz will have enough time to get settled in (as well as us!) before we bring home a little girl. The youngest they adopt their children out is around 12 months, which is baby enough for us!

Of course that whole adventure will be recorded right here, but for now, we're all about bringing Chanz home! Soon..very soon..we will be able to post pictures. You won't be disappointed!

A Poem

2010-04-27T20:42:00.000-07:00

For My Adopted Flower

I wasn’t there the very second you were born
The hour
The month
The year
I didn’t witness the miracle of your first breath
First cry
First smile
First blink
I completely missed your first year
The days
The months
The seasons

Holidays slip from the calendar
Emptiness filling the half hours
Hauntingly beautifully tragically
Time grows you without an apology

Standing undone

Didn’t know how

Fragile, my son

Needing me now

Didn’t know you had been born so soon
Couldn’t know you were my rising moon
Distance is now not a friend to me
Waiting now your face is all I see

Not too long and you’ll be in my arms
Not much time you’ll be safe from harm
Keep you forever inside my love
You are my great quest my special one

The Timeline

2010-04-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 10, 2009- application to GWCA officially submitted

Monday, May 18, 2009-signed contract with GWCA

June
July
August
September
October
November
December
January
February

Wed 3/03/10 8:01 PM - Found Chanz in the archives
Tue 3/09/10 10:08 AM - Notifed that Chanz was still available!
Wed 3/24/10 3:55 PM - Pre-Approval (PA) from CCAA

Passport to China

2010-03-26T13:01:00.000-07:00

The short trip to Palestine was fun. The road we were traveling on was reminiscent of road trips past to the Guadalupe River. We talked about the different experiences we've had on those trips and laughed at some of the memories. Soon we arrived at the post office. We were surprised to find that we were the only ones there to apply for passports. Pleasantly surprised, as it didn't take us long to get the application process completed and over with. We paid the extra $120 to have them expedited so that we can get our part of this paperchase done as quickly as possible. We have an orphan to rescue! We left from the post office and headed toward Beijing China Buffet. Another pleasant surprise? They served sushi! We enjoyed the fun and toasted ourselves to getting one step closer to our child! We stopped by Walgreens on our way back, since Tim used to work there and wanted to say hello to the manager. I managed to grab a handful of toys for the child, and ended up leaving with a chocolate brown bunny.
We are home now and I am gathering and organizing our paperwork to see what is left. We must submit an I-800 which goes to CIS. This will take care of our FBI background check as well as secure the child's VISA. Our caseworker emailed me last night and said the finalized, approved homestudy would be in the mail today. As soon as I have it, we can proceed with our I-800. The very last step will be sending all our paperwork to Houston to be authenticated. I expect to have all of this finished by June, and to be on a plane to China by fall!

A Tiny Step Closer

2010-03-24T20:12:00.000-07:00

I check my email daily, several times a day, just waiting for any little update about our little precious in China. Finally got an email today! It was written in Chinese but had the translation at the bottom:

Great Wall China Adoption,

The application of Timothy and Jamie for adoption of (little boy) that you submitted was received. It is hereby advised that with a review of the basic family situation and the Rehabilitation and Nurture Plan for the Child made by the family, the China Centre of Adoption Affairs agrees to handle and process the case as an adoption of a special-need child after the application file arrives

We were on our way to get our passports today when we realized the folder with all of our information was not with us, so we turned around. Then we decided we didn't feel like going anyway and would wait for Friday. We have to go about an hour away because the local post office is "by appointment only" and they are booked through the middle of April. We will have ours expedited so we can finish our final paperwork and move on!

Things have suddenly gone from a creepy call to a downhill roller coaster! Much like the Texas Giant at Six Flags. It's a slow click click click to the top then suddenly you're practically free-falling!

Homestudy Closure

2010-03-23T16:03:00.000-07:00

Just got the message today that the final home study draft has been APPROVED!!!We can finally move on to our final steps!We are still waiting on our official approval letter from China to adopt Little Boy and it has been just almost 2 weeks, which is about what is to be expected. As soon as I get that I can finally show a picture!

2010-03-17T21:25:00.001-07:00

I wish I knew how to change the stupid background

Seasons Change

2010-03-16T20:39:00.001-07:00

The Rescuers! In the end, the little girl gets adopted. I do believe that is where my interest in adoption began.
My last post was about 3 weeks ago. I have been trying to make it back here to update because so much has happened in such a short time. I am thankful for the last post as it will help explain some of the current situation.
First and foremost, I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and His insight. I do not always know exactly what I am feeling or why, but I know when He's telling me something and I can't imagine my life any other way.
Here's a rough outline of what has happened as of late:

HOMESTUDY
If you can believe it, our caseworker actually sent us a copy of the completed home study. I am assuming that GWCA is reviewing it since I have not received an approved copy from them. I am sending our case worker an email inquiring about this since I have no idea when it is final and approved. Once we have the copy, we can apply for some financial assistance. Green Acres Baptist Church had started the Hope for 100 program last year, which is a charity-based fund to assist as well as encourage adoption. I was informed that there should be plenty of money available to assist us!

PAPERCHASING
Tim & I have completed everything we need to for the adoption except get our passports and background check. We went to get our passports done yesterday only to find out they closed 30 mins before AND you have to make an appointment!! We will probably be spending extra money to have our passports expedited.

We can not do the FBI background check until we have our approved, finalized home study. Of course. Once we have all of THAT completed, THEN we have to send most of the documents to the Chinese Consulate in Houston to be certified and authenticated. Finally, once all of that is complete, we send all of this paperwork (dossier) to GWCA. They review it, then finally it is sent to China and we get our LID (log in date).

CHANGE OF EVENTS
The plot thickens....

Feb. 22 I received my information on how to log in and view waiting children on the waiting child list. I browsed around and saw so many poor children that needed homes. Some had severe problems while others were not as bad off, although still had pretty strong needs. It was nice to be able to see the children and know that we had the option to actually see and choose the child for us!

March 3 I again look at the waiting child list. It came to my attention that very recently China changed the waiting child list. Now, GWCA does not have its own list, it is shared by many other agencies. This was disheartening because that only provides more families looking for children while the list of available children was relatively small.

I felt an urgency then. Desperate, even, to find my child before anyone else did. I kept scrolling and just didn't feel anything. I clicked on the older links in the archive just to see what children were there before. I knew it was doubtful any of those children would be available, but still I was curious. I did find one child that caught my eye. This little blonde-headed chinese boy! He was albino and had the cutest little smile. I had to call my husband over to look at the pictures. I couldn't believe he had been listed under the "special needs" list since there was nothing wrong with him other than albinism.

Several minutes passed. I kept going back to that blonde headed child. I asked my husband if he wanted me to inquire about the child, just to see if he was available still, and he said, "Sure." I sent an email:

Wed 3/03/10 7:51 PM
I have not spoken with anyone yet as to how this works, but if we are interested in a child on the shared list, how will we know if the child is still available and how do we even request information?

10 minutes later, I decided maybe I should go ahead and inquire.

Wed 3/03/10 8:01 PM FYI the child we were looking at was under the latest "shared" list. Name Tommy, albinism. I understand that the children on this list may not be available any longer.

The next day I checked my email at work several times waiting for her response. I didn't receive her email until I got home:

Every day I am going through the children and looking at applications for possible good matches. If there is a child who may be a good fit for your family, I will give you a call. I also put forth the weekly list of kids from the shared list. If there is a child who you are interested in learning more about, just send me an email and I will get in touch with you about them!

With the .pdfs and with the activity of the shared list, I do not go back in and update the listings currently. If you inquire and the child is no longer available, I will let you know.

So, I assumed he was no longer available and that we should wait for her to contact us. I googled "how long does it take to adopt from China" or some such and I read where it could even be 8 years before we get our child! I was completely crushed. I informed my husband and he said there is no way he was waiting that long and that we would have to do something else.

I had to agree. 8 years is ridiculous when I am getting older every day.

The frustrations of adopting suddenly washed over me like a huge tidal wave. I began to weigh our options. We could wait for years and years on a child from China. Or, we could adopt locally, still spend a ton of money, however we have to hope we are lucky enough to be picked by a birthmother. What if a birthmother never picks us? We would still be childless. OR we could adopt a child with severe special needs.
Those are our options.
I believe I cried for 2 days. The thought of NOT adopting from China was the same loss I feel every time i have a negative pregnancy test. I could hardly bear the disappointment and decided there was no way I could give up on that dream, I could not let that dream die. Not that one.

Time went by, and I quit crying.

I began my new fulltime position at work On March 8, 2010 and felt a little depressed about it. I would miss all the free time I had. I would miss staying up late and I would miss just doing what I wanted to during the day (like sleep in!). I was on the 5th or 6th floor of ETMC working on a chart when I decided I would check my email just in case she finally responded to my question about the little blonde headed kid.

It just so happened that, sitting there in my inbox, was an email from the lady over the waiting child program:

Tue 3/09/10 10:08 AM

Hi Jamie,

Little (boy) is still available! I would love to chat with you about him a little bit, and then can send you the file if you are interested. Is there a good time to chat?

Still available?! After all this time? My hands began to shake. I felt light-headed. I called my husband immediately and told him. He said "lock the file!"

Tue 3/09/10 11:21 AM

we are totally intersted! call me anytime you can asap whatever :D

I also called and left her a message. Just in case...
I also emailed again later informing her we wished to review the file.

Eventually I received a phone call from her and we discussed the little boy. He will be 2 in June, Just about the same age as my niece. He is developmentally on target, just has albinism. They describe him as introverted and a little shy. I asked her to please send me the file. If we wished to pursue adoption, if he was still available, the file would be locked.

As soon as I got home I checked my email. In bold letters, it stated:

Please note that this child is on the shared agency list. We cannot guarantee this child will be available should you choose to move forward. If I see the child’s file is gone before you have made a decision, I will let you know!
My sense of urgency heightened. We looked through his files and pictures and decided that we would like to adopt that sweet little blonde angel. I composed yet another email:

We have reviewed the child's information and medical file. We did discuss the child's medical information with 2 separate physicians and feel confident we could meet his needs in every way. We would be pleased if you could lock (boys) file for us! We intend to proceed with adopting him if he is available and we receive approval from China. Sincerely, Tim & Jamie

The next morning she called me and congratulated me on our decision.
We're going to be PARENTS!

I knew, KNEW in my gut that our wait wasn't long. It was like sensing a change in the climate, my bones knew it. God has been so good to us this year already, and this is the icing on the CAKE! She said hopefully we will have him by the end of the year, it all depends on how quick paperwork goes through.

I am frustrated, again, that we didn't already have all of our paperwork done already because of the home study delay, however we are working hard to get the house and our finances in order so that our new little boy will be safe and secure.

I am not allowed to post pictures or any identifying information at this time. As soon as we get the official approval from China, oh boy you are never gonna hear the end of it!!

Needless to say, Tim and I are ecstatic and have been over the moon all week.

And to think... I started this blog a year and 1 week ago. Look at how much has happened! It wasn't so long after all. I am so excited to continue this blog now that I have some meat for it!

Getting On Track

2010-02-24T20:40:00.000-08:00

Hi Jamie,

At this point, I realize that an apology from
me is likely not  sufficient, but I will offer it
anyway:  I am truly sorry for taking  so long to
complete this home study. I have been dealing
with several personal crises in the past 6 months
and have not handled my adoption obligations in
an entirely professional manner.At this point I am
committed to completing your home study within
the next 3 days....

Today we spent a lot of time trying to figure out what needed to be done, by when, how and how much. There was much shifting and sorting of papers and many phone calls and web searches. I think things are finally organized in a "Adoption for Dummies" sort of way so we don't get lost and confused. Seriously..where's the map?

We designated Tuesday, March 2, 2010 as the day that we will get everything done for this adoption that we possibly can. This is the most confusing, time-consuming, puzzling process I think we have ever been through, however we are starting to feel like progress is being made.

We have received several rough drafts of our homestudy. Today's email from GWCA was a message forwarded that was sent to our caseworker. There were many corrections and addendums needed, I just hope she doesn't procrastinate any further and takes care of this. I have a feeling with GWCA breathing down her back she will stay on top of it.

Due to the long, 3-4 year wait for a child from China and the face that we are not getting any younger, we decided to go the "special needs" route and were accepted into the program. I chose simple, correctable or minor issues such as a cleft lip/palate or a mole on the child's face or arm. I wouldn't be opposed to a missing finger, even. It feels better to know that
A) we will be adopting a child that has a lesser chance of being "wanted" and
B) WE get to pick the child that we want.. not have China pick the child for us! We really like that.

I told Tim the other day that I really feel deep inside that our wait will not be too terribly long, and he said, "me too". That made me feel even better and more confident.

I am so blessed to have Tim in my life. Some people do not understand adoption or how very important it is to that child! He is so understanding and caring and giving. What a lucky little child we will have..he/she will have no choice but to adore his/her father because he is a good, good man.

Home Study Woes

2010-02-16T08:47:00.000-08:00

I heard back from GWCA soon after I sent them an email concerning our home study slacker of a social worker. She said they spoke with the social worker and informed her the home study *must* be in their office by Monday. By Monday, I mean last Monday. I just sent off another email making sure that happened. I expressed my concern over only having about 3 months to gather all documents and having the dossier submitted by the end of May and she sort of told me not to worry about it, that they would do everything they can to make sure we make deadline.
Unfortunately, as inexperienced as we are with the process, I did not realize that most people have their home studies completed within about a month. A MONTH! :'( I can't understand how she could be so inconsiderate with our time, and our HEARTS! We are so ready for this to happen and already have such a long wait (maybe).
I say 'maybe' because I just submitted our special needs adoption form. This could cut our wait time down. We may even opt to adopt an older child, I'm just not sure yet. We are waiting on God and his direction. We will know it when the time comes!

Today I am getting a lot done. I just rearranged the office so that I have a spot strictly for working on adoption stuff. There is still a lot to do, after all. We only need 4 more hours of hague training and I found a website that offers $12 a credit courses. So.. just another $50 and we'll have that part of the dossier completed! I'm already enrolled and paid, just need to sit down and do the course.
We set next week as the date that we will get our pictures made for our passports. Depending on our money situation, we might possibly apply for our passports the same day. God has been so good at providing us with money..even if we do have to work for it :)
I'm still excited about the adoption, even with all the setbacks. I just know this will be the most rewarding thing in our entire lives we will ever have the pleasure of experiencing.

Frustration upon frustration

2010-01-26T12:24:00.000-08:00

And yet another month later... nothing.

I sent our social worker a curt email stating that it has been 7 months and we are tired of waiting. 7 months!! That has been more than enough time to complete a homestudy and we have been more than patient. I also emailed GWCA and informed them of our frustrating situation. I even called and left a message.

We discovered today that, because she has taken so long, we now have to re-order our birth certificates and marriage certificate. This should cost us about another $75 or more. Needless!

I think we are both dizzy with stress by now trying to figure out everything we need to do and in what order, as well as what document goes with which place at what time. It is so, so confusing! If we had not already put out so much money, I would be ready to throw my hands up and say "Forget it!"

I have to keep thinking about our china doll. She will be worth it..

Happy Christmas Eve 2009!!!

2009-12-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

One month later, I have had to send a second email to the case worker inquiring WHERE the home study is! She never responded to my last email. Professional, huh?

I'm thinking of all the orphans over in China right now. I wish I could bring them all home with me right now!

I can't wait for the day that our china doll is finally home with us and we can spoil her like crazy. Wherever she is, born or not, I'm wishing her a Merry Christmas!!

Quick Update

2009-11-25T07:56:00.000-08:00

Still nothing to tell :) I received an email October 27th that she was finishing up our homestudy (after nearly 4 months have passed). A month later? Still nothing. Nothing!

By December, if I still have not seen a homestudy, I will pitch a fit. It will have been 6 months. I think it's rude and inconsiderate for it to take this long. We have a total of 1 year to have the dossier completed and sent to China. Nearly 6 months of this has been waiting on a homestudy. That means we will have t HURRY to get the rest of the items on time! I see no fairness in this. I think I'm a little angry..

Hey, Guess What??

2009-10-03T00:39:00.000-07:00

Yeah.. still no home study. I emailed her AGAIN on Wed, I think, asking if she had gotten anything done over the weekend since it was her "goal to get them completed this weekend." This has been the same goal of hers for the past 3 months. :) wow

Get Your Act Together!

2009-09-24T16:49:00.000-07:00

I swear, tonight's the night. I am going to print out ALL of the emails that are supposed to tell me how to assemble a dossier. I'm going to find out where I am and make a game-plan to finish the rest. So much to do, I can just FEEL it! I read somewhere as I glanced at one of the emails that we have to have pictures made. I suppose they look at your pictures, and read your autobiography and figure out which child may fit with us. I guess? Whatever, we will make it through all of this and it *will* be worth it!

Our first change-giver!

2009-09-18T20:33:00.001-07:00

Amazing Love

2009-09-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

So we're at a stand-still with the China adoption. Frustrating, because we haven't even made it to the wait list yet, which is approx. 3 1/2 years long! However, I'm having faith that the perfect child for us will be born and available to us at just the right time, no matter how long we have to wait.

For now, I'm praying about a separate adoption. We are considering going ahead with a domestic adoption since we will already have a home study (eventually), which is a lot of the cost. I'm praying for God's will for this, since it is such a big decision. I find it hard to believe that adopting an unwanted child could EVER be against His will, but I'm praying still. I still have hope that we can have our own children, but I still have a heart for the orphans. If we decide to do a domestic adoption, there will be a separate blog allll about it :)

Catch Me I'm Falling

2009-09-08T20:12:00.000-07:00

Still no home study. I just sent an email to GWCA to inform them of that fact and to also enlighten them to the fact that I have no idea what I am doing and have no idea if I'm ahead of the game or far behind! Right now I am assuming the latter. This is not fun. I need a person right here with me doing the paper-gathering WITH me. It's difficult to send email after email and hope that you're on the right track. Very difficult!

STILL WAITING

2009-08-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

STILL NO FINAL HOMESTUDY DRAFT.

It's sad

2009-08-12T17:00:00.000-07:00

Currently there are 50,000 children in Chinese orphanages, while the number of abandoned children shows no sign of slowing." "Official figures show that fewer than 20,000 of China's orphans are now in any form of institutional care." Chinese official records fail to account for most of the country's abandoned infants and children, only a small proportion of whom are in any form of acknowledged state care. The most recent figure provided by the government for the country's orphan population, 100,000, seems implausibly low for a country with a total population of 1.2 billion. Even if it were accurate, however, the whereabouts of the great majority of China's orphans would still be a complete mystery, leaving crucial questions about the country's child welfare system unanswered and suggesting that the real scope of the catastrophe that has befallen China's unwanted children may be far larger than the evidence in this report documents.

NEW STUFF

2009-08-08T11:38:00.000-07:00

I AM SO EXCITED!!! Today I bought a crib and some other things for the kid-to-be. I had so much fun buying things for her!!! It keeps the whole situation in focus for me: I will have a child to care for. More importantly, one to BUY STUFF FOR! I love to spend. Of course I do, I'm spending over 20K for the child alone... :) When I got home with the goods, Tim hadn't been awake very long and still looked sleepy. He hadn't finished even one cup of coffee yet either, so I was on dangerous ground but I was so excited. When he found out the source of my excitement, he just walked over to me and hugged me tight out of understanding. It was enough for me that he did not say a word about my spontaneous expenditure. We will start working on the nursery soon. We have many years to wait, true. However, it's comforting to know her room has been carefully planned out and worked on. It will be ready just for her!

100 Miles from Nowhere

2009-08-04T11:09:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly a month since I have heard from our social worker. I composed an email to check our status just today. Hopefully it will not be too much longer and we can finally get this part of the process behind us. We are at a complete stand-still until we get our approved homestudy. I have contacted the Abba Fund for financial assistance, but again: stand- still with them until an approved homestudy is submitted to them. I think I am finding all this paperwork a huge challenge to cope with. We are not even on the list to get a child until all of this is turned in and submitted to China. Our homestudy is sent to GWCA, which takes several weeks for them to review for any errors. We still need to get fingerprinted and get our passports. Once GWCA finds no errors, it is then submitted to China. Once they approve it, then finally we are put on the waiting list, that is approximately 3 1/2 years long. That is a long time to wait.

It already seem surreal that we are even doing this. About 4 months has already passed and we haven't gotten very far. It's easy to forget that at the end of all this work and waiting, there will be a sweet little child. I can only imagine it will be even more blurry after several years of waiting has passed. Although, we have tried for our own for about 3 years and that has gone by very quickly. Hard to imagine.

Today was not a very good day. My sorrow has changed, somehow, as if it has matured. I have had some suspicious symptoms for the last 2 weeks. I had not had these symptoms before so I knew it could be one of two things: I was finally pregnant, or a cycle was taking forever. It ended up being the latter. I was disappointed, but shoved it away from my mind. However, as the hours went by, I could feel my spirits drooping like a flower without water. I was standing in the kitchen when Tim walked in and I hugged him. And I hugged him a little longer because my mind told him, "I'm sorry" and the tears blurred my eyes quickly. I did not let him see. It made me wonder why I was ashamed to let him see my disappointment? Did I really need to be strong for the both of us?
I left to get us food.
I was waiting in line at Sonic's drive-thru when the tears started to escape. No matter how quickly I wiped them away they just kept pouring! I was not crying out of disappointment or anguish, of wanting this so desperately, and I wasn't angry. It was different this time. My feelings were those of someone who was tired, had given up, was finished with it. It was the feeling of a callous that had already taken so much but could still bleed if bothered enough times.

The only thought echoing in my mind was "Why?" Why did I still want a child so very badly? I asked God to please make me stop wanting this if it was not going to happen. Why let me feel this way if it isn't meant to be? Why is this me? I feel like an observer of my own life, because this isn't really mine. But it is.. No answers came to me, still. Never an answer, just the same cycle over and over and over. Is there a lesson to be learned here, or is this just the way it is sometimes?

I pulled up into the driveway and let the car idle for a few moments longer. I looked up and saw the sage tree blossoming with pink flowers, and I said, "But I do have a wonderful husband, a decent life, a good job and a lovely home. For that I am greatful." As Jentezen Franklin said, it's all about willows and palms: grief and praise all at once.

I still have no answers. Never has God been so silent to me. I'm 100 miles from nowhere, but one thing is for certain: eventually I will end up somewhere.

Home Study Update

2009-07-13T20:14:00.000-07:00

We finally did complete our home study. The social worker was pleasant and we all sat around the kitchen table laughing. Many times we strayed from the topic at hand, but we finally finished. She sent the following email:

Tim and Jamie,
 
Wanted to say thank you for the great visit today.  I really enjoyed  
getting to meet you both!  You will make wonderful parents to some  
very lucky little Chinese girl!
 
I know it was probably nerve-wracking to have a stranger come into  
your house, asking you all sorts of personal questions, and I don't  
take that for granted.  I'm always honored to be welcomed like I felt  
I was today. Thanks for making the long trip so worthwhile!
 
I'll be getting to work on the first draft tomorrow and will hopefully  
have it to you very soon.
 
Have a great week!
 
Julie

Then she sent another email with this embedded:

Also, I hope it's sort of a given to both of you that I will  
unconditionally approve you to adopt from China.  Sometimes I forget  
that families are freaking out, while I'm on the other end thinking,  
"Wow!  They're going to make great parents!"  I forget sometimes to  
actually TELL the parents about that!Just in case you had any doubts.

So, with that, I feel much better! We're more than half-way through the paperchase!!

Slow Going

2009-06-23T20:07:00.000-07:00

We were unable to begin our homestudy on Friday, as anticipated. Tim took off of work, we had someone mow the yard for us, the house was sparkling... but the social worker got in a wreck on the way in and couldn't make it :( Now, it has been impossible to agree on a date or find one she doesn't already have planned for a family or even get a REPLY from my emails! I'm starting to get frustrated.
One of the cardiologists I used to work with was very kind and filled out our Physical Exam paperwork we needed and we are going to get the required labwork drawn tomorrow. I have to have a notarized physician letter stating that I have asthma, take medication for it, and that it would not affect my ability to raise a child. Asthma ~ seriously?! I wish I had left it out that I have asthma to begin with!
Next comes getting passports and our FBI background check. We get to pay for ALL of this, and this part alone is close to $2000. So next time someone asks me about how I feel about illegal immigrants and amnesty, you can be sure I have an earfull for them. I am a legal, born on American soil American, and I am having to jump through hoops to even prove that I was actually born here, and paying a boatload of money while I'm at it.
I'm just ready to get this homestudy over with, it makes me nervous. When it is all done and behind me, we can just sit back and wait. Bring on the homestudy already!!!!

Autobiography..

2009-06-08T08:53:00.000-07:00

I have just now finished typing up a blank form for us to fill out, individually. As I saved it, I noticed I had the printed copy I have in my hands saved there. I'm pretty sure I could have just used that one to create my blank document but NO I have to do it the hard way! I refuse to find out if that is the case. I'm going to ignore it.

Temporary Housewife

2009-06-08T04:46:00.000-07:00

Today is the day. I am going to get our autobiographies for the social worker done today!
Our first visit with the social worker is June 19th, which is a measly 11 days away. Apparently, the purpose of the autobiography is for the social worker to read so that she will already know some about us & can skip a lot of the boring details during the actual face-to-face interview time. It will also be sent to China in our dossier so that they can read about us and hopefully match us with the child of our dreams. The social worker's name is Julie, and we have emailed back and forth a few times. So far, I think I will like her. I detect a sense of humor, and if you know me, that's very important! I can't be serious for too long at a time (to a fault).. I am not the most comfortable with strangers, but surely with it being in our own home I'll be fine.
Right??
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
I'm actually thinking, if it isn't too too personal, that I will post it on here. It might be fun to look back on and read one day. It's kinda long. The blank form to work off of is 7 solid pages. I'm talking numbered questions to answer from top to bottom. But then again, who doesn't like to talk about themselves from time to time? This is a good time to put it all in perspective: who we are, what we hope for in our future family, our dreams, our past. All of it.

So here I sit; jobless, lost, broke. Yet I am also content not to have the pressure of work on my back, at least for a little while. It didn't bother me to put up Tim's clothes that were half on the bed, half on the floor. I didn't mind making up the whole bed by myself and placing all the pillows just so. I happily put up the towels and other clothes that have been in a laundry basket for days. I could do this life. If only I didn't like to buy stuff, I wouldn't have to worry about working. Why, oh WHY do I like stuff??

I'm off to the gas station to buy a huge Dr Pepper, then I'm getting started.

tick tick tick

2009-05-26T22:27:00.000-07:00

I hit the floor running at work today. I even got there early, after another sleepless night of tossing and turning, my thoughts driving me mad.

I got home about six after running by the grocery store. Started supper, kicked back on the couch for a bit. Walked around outside, watered my new plantlings, pulled some weeds, trimmed some trees, came inside for supper, went back outside with our glasses of sweet tea, came inside to put on more laundry and fold clothes. Took a shower, then grabbed my laptop to get some sweet adoption work done. All day long it's been running through my head, the things I need to do, namely getting a certified copy of our marriage licensce.

But it's 10:00 p.m. now.

I'm seeing how this paper chase phase can become a paperball rolling down a hill, gaining speed and growing in size, with me right under it..

Papers Chasing Me

2009-05-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

I'm running down a dark street. My breath is ragged from running so hard and fast. The only sound breaking the silence of the still summer night is my feet pounding the pavement. And paper. It's all around me, swirling and flying and falling, as if propelled by a miniature tornado, and I'm trying to grasp the edges of them and stuff them into my already full hands, but I can't keep up! The papers keep piling up and flying around and I can't run fast enough.

At least this is the nightmare I'm sure to have very soon.

I've received two emails this week alone prompting me to begin the chase, to keep moving, to get it done. I will be receiving two emails a week for the next 14 weeks, pushing me on to the next step.

It doesn't matter that:

I'm about to be in- between jobs in less than a week
that I have a mountain paperwork to fill out in order to begin a new job in three weeks
that I need to figure out if the other job I have still wants me and how often I can work.
that my sheets are in the washer and it's 11:30 p.m. and I have to be at work at 8

The world keeps on spinning: I'm glad I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Baby Hangers

2009-05-24T19:36:00.000-07:00

I found myself in front of a shelf of infant clothing. It seems to be the place I'm drawn to now, whenever I walk into a store, as if I'm on auto pilot and that is where I am led. No thinking, just "there".
I was on a girls trip to New Braunfels. We intended on floating the river, but the weather was not permissive, so we decided to browse the little stores crowded around the block in Gruene. We walked into the little country store filled with river outfits from shirts and bathing suits to river shoes to beer and energy drinks. The six of us scattered into different directions like pool balls cracked with a cue ball.
Very soon I stood there gazing at the shelved walls lined with tiny, colorful shirts. I picked up a tiny pink t-shirt and absorbed the logo into my thoughts, and I dreamed.

I pictured us, my husband and I, with our new little addition somewhere in the middle of a street in China. Curious, smiling Asian faces stopped walking to look at the little girl who would be whisked away to another country in a matter of days. We held her away from us proudly and smiled at her as if she were the sun. She wore a pink t-shirt that identified the town where her parents bought their first pair of river shoes on their honeymoon.. It was bought from the very same store, a special place in our hearts, just like she will be.

I carefully replaced the tiny shirt and walked away, to some entirely different area. It was safer to stare at men's t-shirts than the little kid clothing, by far. My eyes had started to water and I thought I was a few heartbeats away from crying. It confused me. What is this I am feeling? I thought. Just the thought of our future little girl put a lump in my throat every time, and I can't explain why. Joy? Longing? One of the girls suddenly appeared from my right and was talking about a cute cover-up she had found. I blinked my eyes quickly to rid any evidence of emotion; she didn't seem to notice I had almost had a melt down in the middle of the store!

It's a strange thing. Different. It isn't a sadness I feel, it's.. ? No words for it yet. Perhaps it's the hope that we've gained from this process. We will, no matter what, have a child in our home to love and care for. She will probably never know just how much hope we have hinged upon her birth alone. We're waiting for her.

Ten minutes later, I was handed a receipt and I left the store with a plastic bag. Inside was folded a tiny pink shirt.

Tides

2009-05-18T21:24:00.000-07:00

I have been overwhelmed by all the support of this adoption. I'm not sure how I feel: it's awesome but it's kind of embarrassing! We are so blessed to be able to do this and we will take away from this far more than we can ever put in financially. It isn't a sacrifice for us, or at least it doesn't feel like one. And I don't know.. it feels like breathing. This is something we're meant to do, to live.

Have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?

God has been teaching me some important lessons. It almost seems like infertility is a small price to pay for such knowledge (as hard as that is to admit). I've been reminded of his timing. It's so cliche to hear someone say "God's timing is perfect" or "All in God's time, His time is not our time". Oh blah blah BLAH!! I swear I've heard those sayings so often it had no meaning left! However He is showing me. Clearly. He is actually moving things around in my life, right before my eyes, to see that He really is in control and, believe it or not, He knows what He is doing.

**What a relief that is to me! **

About everything. My job, my future children, biological or not, our future, how far to take treatments, how much to work...

I'm learning to open my hands that have been clenched around my pain and disappointment for so long, and to hold onto his hand instead, for strength. Not my strength- HIS. Holding it all inside and clinging to my sorrow is never going to get me anywhere, not until I give it to him and say "My life is yours, show me where to go, what to do, because I'm too weak to figure it out for myself." He really does listen, and when his time does come, you know it because it's like sliding down a water slide! Everything just flows, with you right along with it. And I like going down water slides :)

..I guess a lazy river analogy would have worked just as well..

CONTRACTED

2009-05-18T08:47:00.000-07:00

I faxed over our signed contract this morning!!

And later still...

2009-05-17T18:38:00.000-07:00

I finally started making some jewelry. See?

The bracelets kept breaking on me, so I think for now I will just stick with earrings. I'm glad I bought this little coffee table, I've been working on my laptop, making jewelry, and watching "Monster -in-Law". I am so blessed to have the in-laws I have!

~~My little work area ~~

....a few hours later

2009-05-17T11:24:00.001-07:00

I'm pleased to say during this time I have made some progress on the paperwork part, but still no jewelry patterns. I will get to that after my shower, I hope, and when Tim goes to work. Meanwhile, here is a lovely visual of my new office space and all the paperwork that I get to sort through :)

Climbing Papermills

2009-05-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I plan on making jewelry patterns. I'm going to make jewelry, then sell them in order to raise money for the adoption. I also plan to brainstorm for a raffle give-away as well. My intentions are good, I just hope I can follow through with all that I need to do in order to make this all happen.

I want you to know I am going through the paperwork I have to complete and it's worse than homework. There is so much to do! Preparing for the home study, turning in the contract (and paying the first large fee..ouch) and doing a home study autobiography?!? I'm also filling out forms for the ABBA FUND in hopes to get either a grant or an interest-free loan. So much homework..

I really want to just go eat a hamburger instead.

Last night we were watching "World's Strictest Parents". I saw it on the satellite guide and sort of laughed to myself because my parents were pretty strict! Well, not as much as this one particular family, however I admired their home life. They had 2 daughters, plus....... an adopted child from CHINA!!
The mom had made a scrapbook about the little girl's life and even had the note her biological parent had left with the child on the doorsteps of the orphanage. It was the original note! She showed a picture of the child when they first adopted her, and said, "Let me show you what a difference a little love and good nutrition makes." The first picture showed a tiny child with a ruddy looking face. She did not smile or have any look of interest. She appeared withdrawn. The next picture, which was taken 10 days later, showed the very same child, but she didn't look the same at all! The child had a clear, light complexion and looked like any other child you would see out and about today. She was not smiling, but she did look alert. Amazing! You could actually SEE the difference the family was making in that little girl's life already! I cried, of course, and Tim felt very inspired. This is a good thing we are doing.

So I guess I'm off to begin the paperchase, as it's called!

Acceptance

2009-05-13T20:45:00.000-07:00

"There it is!"I had just passed the turn into the parking lot of the rehab facility I wanted to apply to when my phone rang. It was a representative from Great Wall China Adoption informing me that we were accepted into the Great Wall FAMILY!!! I immediately called my husband to inform him of the news. He is just as ready to get this thing started as I am.

There is so much change going on right now. I've applied for the RN program, but I will not know anything until June. I am looking for a new job: my current job is wearing me out. I don't make as much as I know I should make and working extra on weekends can really take a toll on a person. This new job, assuming I get it, will be a good boost in pay for us and I can cut out the extra hours on the side.

Change. It's strange when it happens this way, yet I recognize it now. I can almost literally feel the current chapter of my life coming to an end so that a new one can begin. I like it, it usually means good things are coming! God is so good.

I had a bad day not too long ago. I was feeling bad because I want a baby, and I was crying to God about it. The next morning I had to take Tim to work since the battery on his truck died. I handed him my ipod and told him to pick one of the Jentezen Franklin podcasts for us to listen to. And wouldn't you know - he picked EXACTLY the sermon I needed to hear! It was about perseverance, mostly, and staying connected to God and not giving up. We do not know what God has in store for us, but He does. All we have to do is ask, pray, have faith, and be persistent! Eventually you will break through, God will pour out His blessings! Well, he said it all a little more interestingly than that, but you can kinda get the picture :)

Step One Complete!

2009-05-10T22:05:00.000-07:00

,;'~

I've just submitted our application to GWCA! Ironic that I chose Mother's Day to do this. I didn't plan it that way, but I find it special.

Now we wait for our approval letter from the agency.

Waiting: this is going to be a constant throughout this process, I believe.

Bring Out the Black Umbrellas

2009-04-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

The subject of babies came up one too many times today. I can tell: I feel the shield over my heart just flapping in the wind, letting the world cut into me around my heart.

I did a search on "adoption" at this very cool website my mother told me about and read lots of good things about adopting, hoping to lift my wilted spirits. I like how it said adoption is a choice. I like that because too often I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making the right decision. I expect any minute to figure out that God is mad at me for doing something that He didn't stand in front of me and tell me to do!

I read the whole article, and at the end of the paragraph it had a list of suggested reading. It didn't take me long to purchase the book titled "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky. I read the preview of the book they offer on Amazon.com and couldn't help but relate to her chapter "Crying in the Diaper Isle". I can relate so well..

I am about to go to the gym and hopefully shake off the emptiness that's crowding me. I feel sick to my stomach with grief. I feel I could fall apart at any unsuspecting moment. I hate feeling so out of control!

So many people tell me "It's gonna happen, have faith. Have faith!" But what if it just IS NOT God's will for us to have our own children? I don't know that, no one does. We will not know until 20 years have gone by. Until then, I will have these days that feels like a funeral.

FATIGUE

2009-04-15T22:13:00.000-07:00

I am working on filling out the application for GWCA and let me tell you it is extensive. The details that must be made available to them are almost unnerving! The eye strain from staring at the monitor for so long and scrolling so frequently has given me a headache and it's late and I'm tired so I will have to fill out the rest tomorrow. It makes me wonder how many more headaches are to come to make this dream reality???

I have been praying that God will let me know we are doing the right thing. I know some people think I'm "giving up" on the dream of having our own flesh-and-blood child, but that isn't true. This is really something we want to do! We feel honored to bring a Chinese orphan to our home and allow her to grow up with the opportunities available in the states that she would never get in her native country. We feel honored to be given the opportunity to be trusted with a tiny life!

I'm hoping I will feel more optimistic tomorrow, there is just so much on my mind right now. These are big decisions we are facing. We need God involved.

2009-04-13T19:52:00.000-07:00

It was hard not to stare, but the petite little girl drew us towards her like potted window plants straining towards the sun. I saw her glance our direction, peering shyly beneath shiny strands of black hair drawn loosely up in a ponytail. She began to approach us, cautiously at first, then seemed to decide it was safe. A wide grin filled her face, crinkling her eyes to tiny slits of half-smiles and wrinkling her tiny nose. She ran to our table and handed me a page torn from her coloring book that she had been bent over for some time. She even signed her name. After she presented her gift, she put her hands behind her back and beamed at us. I felt my soul shatter, and I know my husband felt the same by his sharp intake of breath. Such a simple, sweet gesture; but it was more than that for us. We were there to prepare for the adoption of our own little girl, one that would one day draw pictures and tear pages out of her coloring book for us. She was a reflection of our heart's desires, this little girl with her smudge of a nose crinkled from her childish grin. This was our first meeting with Great Wall China Adoption to begin the process of petitioning for adoption. I didn't expect many to be in attendance since we live in a small community, however there were supposed to be two other couples besides us. By ten minutes after one, we realized it was just us. I was very pleased with this! One on one information just for us. We were able to ask all of the questions we had and received helpful insider information. If I felt confident about my decision before, the workshop sealed the deal for me. I looked at my colored picture from the little girl through blurry eyes. I gathered some strength from somewhere to act casual, if not entirely excited, and looked at that precious little face. I thanked her and told her we would hang the picture on our refrigerator. This seemed to please her and she skipped off laughing as little girls do. She later returned and gave us each a smiley-face sticker and an azalea flower that she found outside the library. She excitedly told me I could press the flower. She wouldn't soon be forgotten! There is really no way that the little girl could know how much she touched our lives that day. I am so eager and THANKFUL for this time in our lives. I do not know where the money will come from but I have a little seed of faith, and that's all it takes.

Money Don't Grow on Trees

2009-03-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

Adoption is expensive.

I don't feel that the company we're using is completely out of reach, as far as affordability, but it is still going to require a lot of sacrifice to achieve our dream. However, I always tell myself this when things are tough: Nothing ever worth having comes easy!

To adopt through Great Wall China Adoption (GWCA, as I will refer to it from here on out), the initial cost is the $250 application fee, which is non-refundable. After the app is approved, there is a chunk of $3250 due for the contract fee. This is for the least expensive plan; it can go up to as much as $30000! We will be doing the least costly plan...

We must do a home study, which is required for any type of adoption. A case worker visits the A-parents home and makes sure everything is alright. For example, we have to place smoke alarms in each room. Our dogs must be current on vaccinations. We must have running water and electricity! The cost for a home study can range from 1-4 thousand dollars. This is included in the $3250 we will pay, thankfully. THEN there are additional costs in-between for other legal things, which will be roughly an additional $2K. Soon after is the rest of the contract fee, another $3250. If we decide to let the agency do all the complicated paperwork, then it is $900, which we will probably do since it is very complicated and time-consuming. Who has time to do paperwork when you're having to take on a second job just to afford it??

Finally, China requires a $5100 donation to the orphanage that the child has lived and was cared for at. Looking further east, there is the trip to China itself. Plane tickets are about 1100-1500 per person. Expenses inside the country are even more.

This is a lot to consider. My husband's job does not allow room for a second job because the hours through the week are so varied and he only knows his schedule a week in advance. So that leaves me, of course.

I have a Mon-Fri job working for a doctor, but it will not be enough financially to meet the expenses of adoption. I accepted a job at a local hospital working every other weekend on an as-needed basis. Right now, I am on day 8 of work. It makes a difference, not having a day off. I am tired beyond belief, and I have trouble remembering what day of the week it is. I keep telling myself I need to go to the gym, just for a little while..but my body protests!

I don't know what will happen when I continue my education to leave the status of LVN to be an RN. It will be more difficult to pull in extra money then. It will be hard enough to continue at a full time basis. That leaves about 7 months of working hard. Then I have to decide: use the money to pay for the adoption or pay off the debt? It would be reasonable to pay off the debt first, however the wait time to adopt from China is 2-3 years now. If I wait another year, it will just be that much longer before our family is complete, and THAT I can not accept.

Adoption Step One: Choosing an Agency

2009-03-16T16:23:00.000-07:00

Finding an adoption agency isn't too hard..there's a million of them! But choosing..that's a different story. We have spoken to different agencies over the last couple of years. We have gone back and forth on our decision of pursuing fertility treatments or adoption many times and back, so searching for an adoption agency was nothing new. We still receive pamphlets and brochures from companies past that we decided not to use.

I stayed up much too late on a work night, leaning on my giant pillow (back support) with my laptop in front of me. Search after search finally brought me to a place that clicked. The name of the company is Great Wall China Adoption. I suppose in part I liked the name. I had noted mentally that I would like to see the Great Wall one day. Especially after playing Tomb Raider II, which features the Great Wall (the video game, not the movie.)

I browsed the website, and noticed that the company's president and founder is native Chinese and has a great relationship with the Chinese Government to place children in American homes. That can't be bad thing, I thought. I sent off for an application and information packet, closed my laptop, and tried to sleep. It was hard since all I could think about was a trip to China and a little orphan baby that has yet to be born.

Within a week our packet arrived! I laughed a little as I opened the packet. The last time we looked into China adoption, we did not qualify because Tim had not turned 30 yet, a requirement from the Chinese Embassy. I still make fun of him about that :) Inside the packet, along with helpful bits of information, was a video. My husband sat on the dog chair (it's the only piece of furniture the dogs are allowed on) and I sprawled out on the couch. The video began and little Chinese children faces filled the screen. We learned about the orphanages they stayed in, the trips the A-parents (adoptive parents) take and all the ins and outs of the process. Needless to say I cried through the whole thing! Out of joy, of course. I feel my heart swell every time I think of rescuing an abandoned child.

We have a workshop to go to in April, which will give us a lot of insight and information on this particular company as well as China adoption in general. There's lots and lots of icky red tape when dealing with China. They are very strict with whom they entrust their orphans. I feel confident that we meet all the requirements.

A Child is a Child

2009-03-14T20:21:00.000-07:00

A baby girl. Mine. Black eyes, hair the color of coal, smooth and flawless skin. This is what is promised, this is what is guaranteed. I opened the backdoor and stood in front of my husband with my hands stubbornly on my hips. He looked up with a blank expression with no concern, almost as if he had expected, at any moment, for me to come rushing outside after him like I did.
"I want to adopt from China."
I said this without any questions, without any room for debate.
Looking up at me from the lawn chair, he replied "Ok."
Ok? That's it? I had talked to him about this before, but it never went this smooth. Was he feeling ok?
Mustering up a little more courage I said, "I really mean it. I want to get things started now so we can have a baby in the next couple of years."
"Alright" he replied, as if I had just told him I was running to the store for milk
I relaxed my stance, "Ok then. I'll get the information together."
I closed the door behind me.
YES!I inwardly cheered.
That simple! We want a child, and there will BE a child! There will be an orphan. It's guaranteed. Our future daughter will be born, she will be abandoned, she will live in an orphanage for almost a year until we come and rescue her. She, the one we have waited for. The one we each bought a toy for not two years ago when we talked about adopting from China before but could never afford. He bought her some rubber duckies, I bought her a stuffed doll that says, "A star is born" on her little shirt.

In my usual meditation spot (the shower) I prayed for the mother of our unborn daughter. I asked God to give the girl peace when she lays that precious bundle at the door of the orphanage, that she will know she's doing the right thing, that she will not feel regret. I asked Him to protect our daughter from any harmful actions, and comfort her until we can go to her and bring her to her home. I felt good after that.
And so...the journey begins.

The Fork in the Road

2009-03-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

It happened again. Another friend of mine was pregnant! This made two people in one week that I knew, and had to be happy for. I had just gotten home from hosting a baby shower for my best friend. I was happy for her, she was having a girl. She said I would be the childs' Aunt, which made me very happy. But baby showers drain me. Emotionally. The endless conversations about the miracle of being pregnant, of feeling the little life-being moving around and growing. The sonograms. The nursery and the proud daddy. It made it worse when people asked me if I had kids and when I said "No" with a straight face, they looked at me funny, as if quizzing to themselves why I would not, at this stage in my life, have children yet.

Eventually I quit telling people why and let them draw their own conclusions. It always helped ease the awkwardness when I stated, "I have two dogs, so I'm happy." That usually brought a laugh and they would move on, or I would say, "I have a niece and nephew. I spoil them, then send them home!" It worked every time, then I could better hide behind my bitter mask that threatened to slip and betray the longing that was always there.

It got old, and too personal too, trying to always explain the complicated hormone issue and taking the blame, over and over, that we do not have children because of me. I grew weary of people telling me of all the options and "Maybe you're meant to adopt?" It was too personal explaining the dreary regimen of fertility drugs that we attempted and failed at miserably. It was too challenging because I couldn't tell the whole story, about how many nights I sobbed quietly so that I would not wake my husband, because I felt so helpless.

There was a need so large in my heart: I wanted a baby and I couldn't make it happen! So many long nights...

The worst part is when we hope, but then I tell him I've begun another cycle or when I inform him that someone else we know has gotten pregnant. His face falls. It's only for a moment, but I see it. I see the hurt, the disappointment, the confusion and I feel the blame so heavy in my spirit it's like walking around with a weighted vest. I could see him being a good dad, and I know he desires it as well. How to feel... I can't give him what I should rightly be able to provide!

And the weekends that my husband works late and I am alone..whole weekends that I exist under a cloud. It is a cloudy, rainy, windy day with nothing to do but stay inside and mope (not really, but that's how it feels). And cry. Walking the halls, talking to myself, yelling my frustrations to God, asking "Why? Why can't it happen to me?" and hearing only the hollow beat of my broken heart in reply.

My friend messaged me that she was pregnant by her boyfriend of so many months. She wanted a baby, and she got what she wanted. Simple as that.
I sat there, stunned, reading the message again.

"We're having a baby together," the words mocked.
A baby. Together..
Slowly I typed the words, "Ok" and hit send. It was all I could do.
My husband was sitting next to me. I heard hollow words telling him that our friend was pregnant. He turned to look at me quickly, his eyes wide with shock. Then, as usual, they faded to normal and he turned back to what he was doing.

I felt a numbness stretch from the top of my head, across my eyes, and into my thoughts.
The breaking point had been met. My heart had been stretched taut for too long and finally, I was letting go. The splintered shards of my soul untangled and fell around me as I fell with it and I cried to God. I told him I was angry, that it wasn't fair and how much more can one person take? Is this supposed to happen? Everyone close to me getting what I want in waves but not me? Just when I get through one person's pregnancy, there's another. How can I do it again? I can't, not again! What about my husband? He deserves to be a father! Why did he pick me? Why does this have to be my burden?
After awhile I looked around me. The green clock on the wall in the den ticked it's usual steady sound, as if nothing had happened, as if a storm of rage hadn't just swept through the house. The dogs lay in their usual spots sleeping and dreaming. The heater kicked off. All was calm and quiet. And I had no answers.

After I cried all I could cry, and then a little more,I messaged my sister (texted, not called. I was too emotional at this point). My sister had many miscarriages and just as much trouble conceiving. I remember when she finally birthed her second child we were all so relieved! I don't know that we could take the emotions we felt for her and from her again when the pregnancies failed. So much misery!

I asked her, "What did you do when you had all you could take?"

She told me she cried out to God in her anguish and despair and told Him "I can't do this anymore. YOU take it, it's in your hands now".

She said anytime she started to feel those feelings or think those despairing thoughts, she would say a little prayer and push them as far away from her as possible.

While I was out of town for the baby shower, we had to go buy cups for punch and balloons for the mailbox. I was looking around the little store when I saw a display of necklaces. They were chain necklaces with a charm on the end, that was shaped like a Bible and was a locket. I bought my sister and I both on a whim ( I say whim lightly. I was leaving when I turned around and decided to buy them).

Back to my sister, her advice sounded good. The next few days I wore the locket and any time I started to feel myself sinking, I mentally gathered all those thoughts and feelings, physically opened my prayer box, put the mental feelings inside of the box, and shut it up quickly.

It worked.

Then something happened....

To be continued due to the time change and it is now 2 a.m. and I have to be at work at 8 :)