Bring Out the Black Umbrellas

The subject of babies came up one too many times today. I can tell: I feel the shield over my heart just flapping in the wind, letting the world cut into me around my heart.

I did a search on "adoption" at this very cool website my mother told me about and read lots of good things about adopting, hoping to lift my wilted spirits. I like how it said adoption is a choice. I like that because too often I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making the right decision. I expect any minute to figure out that God is mad at me for doing something that He didn't stand in front of me and tell me to do!

I read the whole article, and at the end of the paragraph it had a list of suggested reading. It didn't take me long to purchase the book titled "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky. I read the preview of the book they offer on Amazon.com and couldn't help but relate to her chapter "Crying in the Diaper Isle". I can relate so well..

I am about to go to the gym and hopefully shake off the emptiness that's crowding me. I feel sick to my stomach with grief. I feel I could fall apart at any unsuspecting moment. I hate feeling so out of control!

So many people tell me "It's gonna happen, have faith. Have faith!" But what if it just IS NOT God's will for us to have our own children? I don't know that, no one does. We will not know until 20 years have gone by. Until then, I will have these days that feels like a funeral.

FATIGUE

I am working on filling out the application for GWCA and let me tell you it is extensive. The details that must be made available to them are almost unnerving! The eye strain from staring at the monitor for so long and scrolling so frequently has given me a headache and it's late and I'm tired so I will have to fill out the rest tomorrow. It makes me wonder how many more headaches are to come to make this dream reality???

I have been praying that God will let me know we are doing the right thing. I know some people think I'm "giving up" on the dream of having our own flesh-and-blood child, but that isn't true. This is really something we want to do! We feel honored to bring a Chinese orphan to our home and allow her to grow up with the opportunities available in the states that she would never get in her native country. We feel honored to be given the opportunity to be trusted with a tiny life!

I'm hoping I will feel more optimistic tomorrow, there is just so much on my mind right now. These are big decisions we are facing. We need God involved.

It was hard not to stare, but the petite little girl drew us towards her like potted window plants straining towards the sun. I saw her glance our direction, peering shyly beneath shiny strands of black hair drawn loosely up in a ponytail. She began to approach us, cautiously at first, then seemed to decide it was safe. A wide grin filled her face, crinkling her eyes to tiny slits of half-smiles and wrinkling her tiny nose. She ran to our table and handed me a page torn from her coloring book that she had been bent over for some time. She even signed her name. After she presented her gift, she put her hands behind her back and beamed at us. I felt my soul shatter, and I know my husband felt the same by his sharp intake of breath. Such a simple, sweet gesture; but it was more than that for us. We were there to prepare for the adoption of our own little girl, one that would one day draw pictures and tear pages out of her coloring book for us. She was a reflection of our heart's desires, this little girl with her smudge of a nose crinkled from her childish grin. This was our first meeting with Great Wall China Adoption to begin the process of petitioning for adoption. I didn't expect many to be in attendance since we live in a small community, however there were supposed to be two other couples besides us. By ten minutes after one, we realized it was just us. I was very pleased with this! One on one information just for us. We were able to ask all of the questions we had and received helpful insider information. If I felt confident about my decision before, the workshop sealed the deal for me. I looked at my colored picture from the little girl through blurry eyes. I gathered some strength from somewhere to act casual, if not entirely excited, and looked at that precious little face. I thanked her and told her we would hang the picture on our refrigerator. This seemed to please her and she skipped off laughing as little girls do. She later returned and gave us each a smiley-face sticker and an azalea flower that she found outside the library. She excitedly told me I could press the flower. She wouldn't soon be forgotten! There is really no way that the little girl could know how much she touched our lives that day. I am so eager and THANKFUL for this time in our lives. I do not know where the money will come from but I have a little seed of faith, and that's all it takes.