....a few hours later

I'm pleased to say during this time I have made some progress on the paperwork part, but still no jewelry patterns. I will get to that after my shower, I hope, and when Tim goes to work. Meanwhile, here is a lovely visual of my new office space and all the paperwork that I get to sort through :)

Climbing Papermills

Today, I plan on making jewelry patterns. I'm going to make jewelry, then sell them in order to raise money for the adoption. I also plan to brainstorm for a raffle give-away as well. My intentions are good, I just hope I can follow through with all that I need to do in order to make this all happen.

I want you to know I am going through the paperwork I have to complete and it's worse than homework. There is so much to do! Preparing for the home study, turning in the contract (and paying the first large fee..ouch) and doing a home study autobiography?!? I'm also filling out forms for the ABBA FUND in hopes to get either a grant or an interest-free loan. So much homework..

I really want to just go eat a hamburger instead.

Last night we were watching "World's Strictest Parents". I saw it on the satellite guide and sort of laughed to myself because my parents were pretty strict! Well, not as much as this one particular family, however I admired their home life. They had 2 daughters, plus....... an adopted child from CHINA!!
The mom had made a scrapbook about the little girl's life and even had the note her biological parent had left with the child on the doorsteps of the orphanage. It was the original note! She showed a picture of the child when they first adopted her, and said, "Let me show you what a difference a little love and good nutrition makes." The first picture showed a tiny child with a ruddy looking face. She did not smile or have any look of interest. She appeared withdrawn. The next picture, which was taken 10 days later, showed the very same child, but she didn't look the same at all! The child had a clear, light complexion and looked like any other child you would see out and about today. She was not smiling, but she did look alert. Amazing! You could actually SEE the difference the family was making in that little girl's life already! I cried, of course, and Tim felt very inspired. This is a good thing we are doing.

So I guess I'm off to begin the paperchase, as it's called!

Acceptance

"There it is!"I had just passed the turn into the parking lot of the rehab facility I wanted to apply to when my phone rang. It was a representative from Great Wall China Adoption informing me that we were accepted into the Great Wall FAMILY!!! I immediately called my husband to inform him of the news. He is just as ready to get this thing started as I am.

There is so much change going on right now. I've applied for the RN program, but I will not know anything until June. I am looking for a new job: my current job is wearing me out. I don't make as much as I know I should make and working extra on weekends can really take a toll on a person. This new job, assuming I get it, will be a good boost in pay for us and I can cut out the extra hours on the side.

Change. It's strange when it happens this way, yet I recognize it now. I can almost literally feel the current chapter of my life coming to an end so that a new one can begin. I like it, it usually means good things are coming! God is so good.

I had a bad day not too long ago. I was feeling bad because I want a baby, and I was crying to God about it. The next morning I had to take Tim to work since the battery on his truck died. I handed him my ipod and told him to pick one of the Jentezen Franklin podcasts for us to listen to. And wouldn't you know - he picked EXACTLY the sermon I needed to hear! It was about perseverance, mostly, and staying connected to God and not giving up. We do not know what God has in store for us, but He does. All we have to do is ask, pray, have faith, and be persistent! Eventually you will break through, God will pour out His blessings! Well, he said it all a little more interestingly than that, but you can kinda get the picture :)

Step One Complete!

,;'~

I've just submitted our application to GWCA! Ironic that I chose Mother's Day to do this. I didn't plan it that way, but I find it special.

Now we wait for our approval letter from the agency.

Waiting: this is going to be a constant throughout this process, I believe.

Bring Out the Black Umbrellas

The subject of babies came up one too many times today. I can tell: I feel the shield over my heart just flapping in the wind, letting the world cut into me around my heart.

I did a search on "adoption" at this very cool website my mother told me about and read lots of good things about adopting, hoping to lift my wilted spirits. I like how it said adoption is a choice. I like that because too often I doubt myself, wondering if I'm making the right decision. I expect any minute to figure out that God is mad at me for doing something that He didn't stand in front of me and tell me to do!

I read the whole article, and at the end of the paragraph it had a list of suggested reading. It didn't take me long to purchase the book titled "Empty Womb, Aching Heart" by Marlo Schalesky. I read the preview of the book they offer on Amazon.com and couldn't help but relate to her chapter "Crying in the Diaper Isle". I can relate so well..

I am about to go to the gym and hopefully shake off the emptiness that's crowding me. I feel sick to my stomach with grief. I feel I could fall apart at any unsuspecting moment. I hate feeling so out of control!

So many people tell me "It's gonna happen, have faith. Have faith!" But what if it just IS NOT God's will for us to have our own children? I don't know that, no one does. We will not know until 20 years have gone by. Until then, I will have these days that feels like a funeral.

FATIGUE

I am working on filling out the application for GWCA and let me tell you it is extensive. The details that must be made available to them are almost unnerving! The eye strain from staring at the monitor for so long and scrolling so frequently has given me a headache and it's late and I'm tired so I will have to fill out the rest tomorrow. It makes me wonder how many more headaches are to come to make this dream reality???

I have been praying that God will let me know we are doing the right thing. I know some people think I'm "giving up" on the dream of having our own flesh-and-blood child, but that isn't true. This is really something we want to do! We feel honored to bring a Chinese orphan to our home and allow her to grow up with the opportunities available in the states that she would never get in her native country. We feel honored to be given the opportunity to be trusted with a tiny life!

I'm hoping I will feel more optimistic tomorrow, there is just so much on my mind right now. These are big decisions we are facing. We need God involved.

It was hard not to stare, but the petite little girl drew us towards her like potted window plants straining towards the sun. I saw her glance our direction, peering shyly beneath shiny strands of black hair drawn loosely up in a ponytail. She began to approach us, cautiously at first, then seemed to decide it was safe. A wide grin filled her face, crinkling her eyes to tiny slits of half-smiles and wrinkling her tiny nose. She ran to our table and handed me a page torn from her coloring book that she had been bent over for some time. She even signed her name. After she presented her gift, she put her hands behind her back and beamed at us. I felt my soul shatter, and I know my husband felt the same by his sharp intake of breath. Such a simple, sweet gesture; but it was more than that for us. We were there to prepare for the adoption of our own little girl, one that would one day draw pictures and tear pages out of her coloring book for us. She was a reflection of our heart's desires, this little girl with her smudge of a nose crinkled from her childish grin. This was our first meeting with Great Wall China Adoption to begin the process of petitioning for adoption. I didn't expect many to be in attendance since we live in a small community, however there were supposed to be two other couples besides us. By ten minutes after one, we realized it was just us. I was very pleased with this! One on one information just for us. We were able to ask all of the questions we had and received helpful insider information. If I felt confident about my decision before, the workshop sealed the deal for me. I looked at my colored picture from the little girl through blurry eyes. I gathered some strength from somewhere to act casual, if not entirely excited, and looked at that precious little face. I thanked her and told her we would hang the picture on our refrigerator. This seemed to please her and she skipped off laughing as little girls do. She later returned and gave us each a smiley-face sticker and an azalea flower that she found outside the library. She excitedly told me I could press the flower. She wouldn't soon be forgotten! There is really no way that the little girl could know how much she touched our lives that day. I am so eager and THANKFUL for this time in our lives. I do not know where the money will come from but I have a little seed of faith, and that's all it takes.