It's sad

Currently there are 50,000 children in Chinese orphanages, while the number of abandoned children shows no sign of slowing." "Official figures show that fewer than 20,000 of China's orphans are now in any form of institutional care." Chinese official records fail to account for most of the country's abandoned infants and children, only a small proportion of whom are in any form of acknowledged state care. The most recent figure provided by the government for the country's orphan population, 100,000, seems implausibly low for a country with a total population of 1.2 billion. Even if it were accurate, however, the whereabouts of the great majority of China's orphans would still be a complete mystery, leaving crucial questions about the country's child welfare system unanswered and suggesting that the real scope of the catastrophe that has befallen China's unwanted children may be far larger than the evidence in this report documents.

NEW STUFF

I AM SO EXCITED!!! Today I bought a crib and some other things for the kid-to-be. I had so much fun buying things for her!!! It keeps the whole situation in focus for me: I will have a child to care for. More importantly, one to BUY STUFF FOR! I love to spend. Of course I do, I'm spending over 20K for the child alone... :) When I got home with the goods, Tim hadn't been awake very long and still looked sleepy. He hadn't finished even one cup of coffee yet either, so I was on dangerous ground but I was so excited. When he found out the source of my excitement, he just walked over to me and hugged me tight out of understanding. It was enough for me that he did not say a word about my spontaneous expenditure. We will start working on the nursery soon. We have many years to wait, true. However, it's comforting to know her room has been carefully planned out and worked on. It will be ready just for her!

100 Miles from Nowhere

It has been nearly a month since I have heard from our social worker. I composed an email to check our status just today. Hopefully it will not be too much longer and we can finally get this part of the process behind us. We are at a complete stand-still until we get our approved homestudy. I have contacted the Abba Fund for financial assistance, but again: stand- still with them until an approved homestudy is submitted to them. I think I am finding all this paperwork a huge challenge to cope with. We are not even on the list to get a child until all of this is turned in and submitted to China. Our homestudy is sent to GWCA, which takes several weeks for them to review for any errors. We still need to get fingerprinted and get our passports. Once GWCA finds no errors, it is then submitted to China. Once they approve it, then finally we are put on the waiting list, that is approximately 3 1/2 years long. That is a long time to wait.

It already seem surreal that we are even doing this. About 4 months has already passed and we haven't gotten very far. It's easy to forget that at the end of all this work and waiting, there will be a sweet little child. I can only imagine it will be even more blurry after several years of waiting has passed. Although, we have tried for our own for about 3 years and that has gone by very quickly. Hard to imagine.

Today was not a very good day. My sorrow has changed, somehow, as if it has matured. I have had some suspicious symptoms for the last 2 weeks. I had not had these symptoms before so I knew it could be one of two things: I was finally pregnant, or a cycle was taking forever. It ended up being the latter. I was disappointed, but shoved it away from my mind. However, as the hours went by, I could feel my spirits drooping like a flower without water. I was standing in the kitchen when Tim walked in and I hugged him. And I hugged him a little longer because my mind told him, "I'm sorry" and the tears blurred my eyes quickly. I did not let him see. It made me wonder why I was ashamed to let him see my disappointment? Did I really need to be strong for the both of us?
I left to get us food.
I was waiting in line at Sonic's drive-thru when the tears started to escape. No matter how quickly I wiped them away they just kept pouring! I was not crying out of disappointment or anguish, of wanting this so desperately, and I wasn't angry. It was different this time. My feelings were those of someone who was tired, had given up, was finished with it. It was the feeling of a callous that had already taken so much but could still bleed if bothered enough times.

The only thought echoing in my mind was "Why?" Why did I still want a child so very badly? I asked God to please make me stop wanting this if it was not going to happen. Why let me feel this way if it isn't meant to be? Why is this me? I feel like an observer of my own life, because this isn't really mine. But it is.. No answers came to me, still. Never an answer, just the same cycle over and over and over. Is there a lesson to be learned here, or is this just the way it is sometimes?

I pulled up into the driveway and let the car idle for a few moments longer. I looked up and saw the sage tree blossoming with pink flowers, and I said, "But I do have a wonderful husband, a decent life, a good job and a lovely home. For that I am grateful." As Jentezen Franklin said, it's all about willows and palms: grief and praise all at once.

I still have no answers. Never has God been so silent to me. I'm 100 miles from nowhere, but one thing is for certain: eventually I will end up somewhere.

Home Study Update

We finally did complete our home study. The social worker was pleasant and we all sat around the kitchen table laughing. Many times we strayed from the topic at hand, but we finally finished. She sent the following email:

Tim and Jamie,
 
Wanted to say thank you for the great visit today.  I really enjoyed  
getting to meet you both!  You will make wonderful parents to some  
very lucky little Chinese girl!
 
I know it was probably nerve-wracking to have a stranger come into  
your house, asking you all sorts of personal questions, and I don't  
take that for granted.  I'm always honored to be welcomed like I felt  
I was today. Thanks for making the long trip so worthwhile!
 
I'll be getting to work on the first draft tomorrow and will hopefully  
have it to you very soon.
 
Have a great week!
 
Julie

Then she sent another email with this embedded:

Also, I hope it's sort of a given to both of you that I will  
unconditionally approve you to adopt from China.  Sometimes I forget  
that families are freaking out, while I'm on the other end thinking,  
"Wow!  They're going to make great parents!"  I forget sometimes to  
actually TELL the parents about that!Just in case you had any doubts.

So, with that, I feel much better! We're more than half-way through the paperchase!!

Slow Going

We were unable to begin our homestudy on Friday, as anticipated. Tim took off of work, we had someone mow the yard for us, the house was sparkling... but the social worker got in a wreck on the way in and couldn't make it :( Now, it has been impossible to agree on a date or find one she doesn't already have planned for a family or even get a REPLY from my emails! I'm starting to get frustrated.
One of the cardiologists I used to work with was very kind and filled out our Physical Exam paperwork we needed and we are going to get the required labwork drawn tomorrow. I have to have a notarized physician letter stating that I have asthma, take medication for it, and that it would not affect my ability to raise a child. Asthma ~ seriously?! I wish I had left it out that I have asthma to begin with!
Next comes getting passports and our FBI background check. We get to pay for ALL of this, and this part alone is close to $2000. So next time someone asks me about how I feel about illegal immigrants and amnesty, you can be sure I have an earfull for them. I am a legal, born on American soil American, and I am having to jump through hoops to even prove that I was actually born here, and paying a boatload of money while I'm at it.
I'm just ready to get this homestudy over with, it makes me nervous. When it is all done and behind me, we can just sit back and wait. Bring on the homestudy already!!!!

Autobiography..

I have just now finished typing up a blank form for us to fill out, individually. As I saved it, I noticed I had the printed copy I have in my hands saved there. I'm pretty sure I could have just used that one to create my blank document but NO I have to do it the hard way! I refuse to find out if that is the case. I'm going to ignore it.

Temporary Housewife

Today is the day. I am going to get our autobiographies for the social worker done today!
Our first visit with the social worker is June 19th, which is a measly 11 days away. Apparently, the purpose of the autobiography is for the social worker to read so that she will already know some about us & can skip a lot of the boring details during the actual face-to-face interview time. It will also be sent to China in our dossier so that they can read about us and hopefully match us with the child of our dreams. The social worker's name is Julie, and we have emailed back and forth a few times. So far, I think I will like her. I detect a sense of humor, and if you know me, that's very important! I can't be serious for too long at a time (to a fault).. I am not the most comfortable with strangers, but surely with it being in our own home I'll be fine.
Right??
THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY
I'm actually thinking, if it isn't too too personal, that I will post it on here. It might be fun to look back on and read one day. It's kinda long. The blank form to work off of is 7 solid pages. I'm talking numbered questions to answer from top to bottom. But then again, who doesn't like to talk about themselves from time to time? This is a good time to put it all in perspective: who we are, what we hope for in our future family, our dreams, our past. All of it.

So here I sit; jobless, lost, broke. Yet I am also content not to have the pressure of work on my back, at least for a little while. It didn't bother me to put up Tim's clothes that were half on the bed, half on the floor. I didn't mind making up the whole bed by myself and placing all the pillows just so. I happily put up the towels and other clothes that have been in a laundry basket for days. I could do this life. If only I didn't like to buy stuff, I wouldn't have to worry about working. Why, oh WHY do I like stuff??

I'm off to the gas station to buy a huge Dr Pepper, then I'm getting started.