tick tick tick

I hit the floor running at work today. I even got there early, after another sleepless night of tossing and turning, my thoughts driving me mad.

I got home about six after running by the grocery store. Started supper, kicked back on the couch for a bit. Walked around outside, watered my new plantlings, pulled some weeds, trimmed some trees, came inside for supper, went back outside with our glasses of sweet tea, came inside to put on more laundry and fold clothes. Took a shower, then grabbed my laptop to get some sweet adoption work done. All day long it's been running through my head, the things I need to do, namely getting a certified copy of our marriage licensce.

But it's 10:00 p.m. now.

I'm seeing how this paper chase phase can become a paperball rolling down a hill, gaining speed and growing in size, with me right under it..

Papers Chasing Me

I'm running down a dark street. My breath is ragged from running so hard and fast. The only sound breaking the silence of the still summer night is my feet pounding the pavement. And paper. It's all around me, swirling and flying and falling, as if propelled by a miniature tornado, and I'm trying to grasp the edges of them and stuff them into my already full hands, but I can't keep up! The papers keep piling up and flying around and I can't run fast enough.

At least this is the nightmare I'm sure to have very soon.

I've received two emails this week alone prompting me to begin the chase, to keep moving, to get it done. I will be receiving two emails a week for the next 14 weeks, pushing me on to the next step.

It doesn't matter that:

• I'm about to be in- between jobs in less than a week
• that I have a mountain paperwork to fill out in order to begin a new job in three weeks
  
• that I need to figure out if the other job I have still wants me and how often I can work.
• that my sheets are in the washer and it's 11:30 p.m. and I have to be at work at 8

The world keeps on spinning: I'm glad I learned that lesson a long time ago.

Baby Hangers

I found myself in front of a shelf of infant clothing. It seems to be the place I'm drawn to now, whenever I walk into a store, as if I'm on auto pilot and that is where I am led. No thinking, just "there".
I was on a girls trip to New Braunfels. We intended on floating the river, but the weather was not permissive, so we decided to browse the little stores crowded around the block in Gruene. We walked into the little country store filled with river outfits from shirts and bathing suits to river shoes to beer and energy drinks. The six of us scattered into different directions like pool balls cracked with a cue ball.
Very soon I stood there gazing at the shelved walls lined with tiny, colorful shirts. I picked up a tiny pink t-shirt and absorbed the logo into my thoughts, and I dreamed.

I pictured us, my husband and I, with our new little addition somewhere in the middle of a street in China. Curious, smiling Asian faces stopped walking to look at the little girl who would be whisked away to another country in a matter of days. We held her away from us proudly and smiled at her as if she were the sun. She wore a pink t-shirt that identified the town where her parents bought their first pair of river shoes on their honeymoon.. It was bought from the very same store, a special place in our hearts, just like she will be.

I carefully replaced the tiny shirt and walked away, to some entirely different area. It was safer to stare at men's t-shirts than the little kid clothing, by far. My eyes had started to water and I thought I was a few heartbeats away from crying. It confused me. What is this I am feeling? I thought. Just the thought of our future little girl put a lump in my throat every time, and I can't explain why. Joy? Longing? One of the girls suddenly appeared from my right and was talking about a cute cover-up she had found. I blinked my eyes quickly to rid any evidence of emotion; she didn't seem to notice I had almost had a melt down in the middle of the store!

It's a strange thing. Different. It isn't a sadness I feel, it's.. ? No words for it yet. Perhaps it's the hope that we've gained from this process. We will, no matter what, have a child in our home to love and care for. She will probably never know just how much hope we have hinged upon her birth alone. We're waiting for her.

Ten minutes later, I was handed a receipt and I left the store with a plastic bag. Inside was folded a tiny pink shirt.

Tides

I have been overwhelmed by all the support of this adoption. I'm not sure how I feel: it's awesome but it's kind of embarrassing! We are so blessed to be able to do this and we will take away from this far more than we can ever put in financially. It isn't a sacrifice for us, or at least it doesn't feel like one. And I don't know.. it feels like breathing. This is something we're meant to do, to live.

Have I mentioned how amazing my husband is?

God has been teaching me some important lessons. It almost seems like infertility is a small price to pay for such knowledge (as hard as that is to admit). I've been reminded of his timing. It's so cliche to hear someone say "God's timing is perfect" or "All in God's time, His time is not our time". Oh blah blah BLAH!! I swear I've heard those sayings so often it had no meaning left! However He is showing me. Clearly. He is actually moving things around in my life, right before my eyes, to see that He really is in control and, believe it or not, He knows what He is doing.

**What a relief that is to me! **

About everything. My job, my future children, biological or not, our future, how far to take treatments, how much to work...

I'm learning to open my hands that have been clenched around my pain and disappointment for so long, and to hold onto his hand instead, for strength. Not my strength- HIS. Holding it all inside and clinging to my sorrow is never going to get me anywhere, not until I give it to him and say "My life is yours, show me where to go, what to do, because I'm too weak to figure it out for myself." He really does listen, and when his time does come, you know it because it's like sliding down a water slide! Everything just flows, with you right along with it. And I like going down water slides :)


..I guess a lazy river analogy would have worked just as well..

CONTRACTED

I faxed over our signed contract this morning!!

And later still...

I finally started making some jewelry. See?


The bracelets kept breaking on me, so I think for now I will just stick with earrings. I'm glad I bought this little coffee table, I've been working on my laptop, making jewelry, and watching "Monster -in-Law". I am so blessed to have the in-laws I have!

~~My little work area ~~

....a few hours later

I'm pleased to say during this time I have made some progress on the paperwork part, but still no jewelry patterns. I will get to that after my shower, I hope, and when Tim goes to work. Meanwhile, here is a lovely visual of my new office space and all the paperwork that I get to sort through :)

Climbing Papermills

Today, I plan on making jewelry patterns. I'm going to make jewelry, then sell them in order to raise money for the adoption. I also plan to brainstorm for a raffle give-away as well. My intentions are good, I just hope I can follow through with all that I need to do in order to make this all happen.

I want you to know I am going through the paperwork I have to complete and it's worse than homework. There is so much to do! Preparing for the home study, turning in the contract (and paying the first large fee..ouch) and doing a home study autobiography?!? I'm also filling out forms for the ABBA FUND in hopes to get either a grant or an interest-free loan. So much homework..

I really want to just go eat a hamburger instead.

Last night we were watching "World's Strictest Parents". I saw it on the satellite guide and sort of laughed to myself because my parents were pretty strict! Well, not as much as this one particular family, however I admired their home life. They had 2 daughters, plus....... an adopted child from CHINA!!
The mom had made a scrapbook about the little girl's life and even had the note her biological parent had left with the child on the doorsteps of the orphanage. It was the original note! She showed a picture of the child when they first adopted her, and said, "Let me show you what a difference a little love and good nutrition makes." The first picture showed a tiny child with a ruddy looking face. She did not smile or have any look of interest. She appeared withdrawn. The next picture, which was taken 10 days later, showed the very same child, but she didn't look the same at all! The child had a clear, light complexion and looked like any other child you would see out and about today. She was not smiling, but she did look alert. Amazing! You could actually SEE the difference the family was making in that little girl's life already! I cried, of course, and Tim felt very inspired. This is a good thing we are doing.

So I guess I'm off to begin the paperchase, as it's called!

Acceptance

"There it is!"I had just passed the turn into the parking lot of the rehab facility I wanted to apply to when my phone rang. It was a representative from Great Wall China Adoption informing me that we were accepted into the Great Wall FAMILY!!! I immediately called my husband to inform him of the news. He is just as ready to get this thing started as I am.

There is so much change going on right now. I've applied for the RN program, but I will not know anything until June. I am looking for a new job: my current job is wearing me out. I don't make as much as I know I should make and working extra on weekends can really take a toll on a person. This new job, assuming I get it, will be a good boost in pay for us and I can cut out the extra hours on the side.

Change. It's strange when it happens this way, yet I recognize it now. I can almost literally feel the current chapter of my life coming to an end so that a new one can begin. I like it, it usually means good things are coming! God is so good.

I had a bad day not too long ago. I was feeling bad because I want a baby, and I was crying to God about it. The next morning I had to take Tim to work since the battery on his truck died. I handed him my ipod and told him to pick one of the Jentezen Franklin podcasts for us to listen to. And wouldn't you know - he picked EXACTLY the sermon I needed to hear! It was about perseverance, mostly, and staying connected to God and not giving up. We do not know what God has in store for us, but He does. All we have to do is ask, pray, have faith, and be persistent! Eventually you will break through, God will pour out His blessings! Well, he said it all a little more interestingly than that, but you can kinda get the picture :)

Step One Complete!

,;'~

I've just submitted our application to GWCA! Ironic that I chose Mother's Day to do this. I didn't plan it that way, but I find it special.

Now we wait for our approval letter from the agency.

Waiting: this is going to be a constant throughout this process, I believe.